For Always Page 13

  Then my blanket was pulled back off of my face, and I saw that my ball, which was sitting in the floor beside us, was on. I looked up and saw Beau holding something. "I wanted to give ya this before I…" He sighed and sat down on the foot of the chaise.

  "What is it?"

  "It's your birthday present, Malyn."

  I started to cry again. Damn it! "How did you?"

  He smiled. "I've been workin' on it while ya were at work. Nellie helped me get the stuff I needed and set up the ball for me. She'd put it back in your room before ya got home. She told me your birthday was comin' up. I never thought I wouldn't be here for it."

  He handed me the canvas, which I sat on my lap. I just sat there, looking at the back of it, not wanting to turn it over. Then Beau turned the lamp on that was beside us, and put his hands on mine, turning it over so I could see it. I shut my eyes and took a deep breath before opening them and looking at Beau's gift. My breath caught in my chest and tears wet my face. I couldn't believe he had done this. It was beautiful, even if it was of me.

  It was a portrait that he had drawn in pencil, but it had hints of color subtly scattered throughout. I was sitting outside in the grass in front of a huge weeping willow tree—Beau's tree. This must be what it looked like before his dad cut it down. And sitting on a big branch in the tree was Beau, looking down at me as I sat in the grass. He had drawn me in a dress that I actually owned, but hadn't wore since I moved here. But then I remembered that Grandmama had a picture in the parlor of me in that dress. It was her favorite.

  "I hope ya like it."

  I looked up at Beau with tears still streaming down my face. "I love it," I whispered.

  "I drew myself in it so you'll always remember me and know that I'll always be with ya, no matter where I am."

  I sat the portrait down in the floor next to us and wrapped my arms around his neck. "Thank you. It's beautiful."

  He slowly wrapped his arms around me and hugged me back. "You're welcome." He took a deep breath before adding, "Happy birthday, Malyn."

  I cried, squeezing him harder, knowing he wouldn't be here on my birthday. It was still a few days away and he would be leaving tomorrow. When I finally let him go, he reached up and turned the lamp back off, leaving us dimly lit by the moonlight.

  "I don't wanna hurt ya," he said as he leaned forward and put his hand on mine. "That's one of the main reasons I'm leavin' sooner rather than later. I don't want ya hangin' on to hopes and dreams that I can't fulfill. Ya deserve more than me, Malyn." He was quiet, waiting on me to say something.

  "You've made up your mind. You’re leaving. What do you want me to say?"

  He scooted closer to me, still holding my hand. "I can't leave with ya mad at me, Malyn," he said softly, reaching out to touch my face, but pulling his hand back. "I can't leave unless ya give me your blessin' to go."

  I had cried so much that I didn't think I had any more tears left. I wiped my cheeks off, contemplating what he just said. What if I said no, that I didn't give him my blessing? Would he stay? Could I live with myself if I did that to him? Could I live with myself if I didn't? I had never thought of myself as selfish, but if I had to be to get Beau to stay…

  It took everything I had to say what I was about to say, but I knew I had to. "Go," I squeaked, barely making a sound. I cleared my throat, trying to sound stronger than I was, and nodded as I whispered, "Go," again, trying to smile, even though it was a fake one.

  He took a deep breath, but I couldn't tell if it was a sigh of relief or disappointment. He didn't say anything, just sat there staring at me.

  "What?" I was confused at his reaction.

  He just shook his head, but I could tell he wanted to say something. He was holding back, which made me mad.

  "Beau, this is the last time you will get to talk to me, so if you have something to say, I'd say it now."

  "I can't," he whispered.

  "Don't leave me without saying what you need to say. It's not fair to you, and it's certainly not fair to me."

  "No, it's not fair," he said so softly that I could barely hear him. He seemed to be getting upset, but more with himself rather than with me. He clenched his jaw a few times before he finally spoke. "I love you. I'll always love ya. Whether I'm here, or whether I'm not, I'll love ya forever. I completely adore ya." He reached out and touched my face, but almost grimaced as if touching me hurt him. "I'd marry ya if I could. You'd have my children, who'd be beautiful, just like you." He smiled, like he was imagining the words he was saying. But then reality crossed his face and his eyes had tears in them. "I'm sorry, Malyn. Ya don't know how sorry I am."

  I did have tears left, and they were running down my face, across his hand, and onto my chest. "Me, too."

  He slowly leaned towards me, and I knew what he was about to do. I almost made him stop, not thinking I could handle it, especially now. But I knew if I made him stop that it would hurt even worse. When his lips met mine, I was glad I didn't stop him. I needed this like I needed air. This was the last part of Beau that I would ever have, and I wanted as much as he was willing to give me.

  He kissed me like there was no tomorrow, which there wasn't. He climbed up onto the chaise with me, never taking his lips off of mine. He pulled the edge of the blanket back and got under it with me, running his hand up my bare thigh as he sucked on my bottom lip. He slid his lips across my cheek and stopped at my ear and whispered, "Make me stop."

  "I can't," I whispered back.

  I ran my hands under his shirt, pulling it up as far as I could, and traced my fingertips lightly across his chest. He pulled it the rest of the way off and dropped it on the floor, where it quickly disappeared. He pressed his body against mine, running his hand across my hip. His lips found mine again for what would be one of our last kisses.

  Suddenly we heard a noise upstairs and we both froze. I knew that I would hear someone if they came down the stairs and that I could just unplug the ball and pretend to be sleeping…alone. But we never heard anything else, so I assumed it was just Max going to the bathroom.

  We were both still breathing hard, but Beau didn't continue where he left off. Instead, he just laid his head down beside mine.

  "Please don't," I begged.

  He rose up and looked at me with desire still evident on his face. "Don't what?"

  "Stop."

  He looked at me as if debating on whether or not to listen to me before he finally gave in. As he started kissing me again, I pulled my tank top off, wanting to feel his skin against mine. When I did, he seemed to lose all self-control…and so did I.

  I had always hated my body up until that moment. The attention he gave to every curve and every line made me feel pleasure I had never known existed. Beau made me feel beautiful.

  He knew that it was my first time and told me that he would be gentle and not hurt me. But I knew that there was no amount of physical pain that he could cause me that would compare to the pain I would suffer when he left. And I was right. The only pain I felt was the pain of knowing I would never feel this—feel him—again

  I snuggled down into his arms as he whispered, "I love you," again.

  "I love you, too. I just wish this didn't have to end."

  "Me, either."

  "Well, at least it ended with a bang," I joked, trying to keep myself from crying.

  He chuckled. "Yeah, yeah it did."

  We laid in each other’s arms, talking and enjoying each other for a few more hours. It was getting to be early morning already, so I suggested we get dressed, knowing Grandmama would be getting up soon. We laughed when we realized he was gonna have to walk to the river naked to get his clothes, since they disappeared when he took them off.

  "Turn the ball off so you don't have to open the door."

  He turned it off and disappeared through the wall. I couldn't stop myself from watching him walk across the yard. His tanned skin glistening in the moonlight made him look like some sort of Greek god. By the time he got down there and
back, I was dressed and snuggled up under my blanket.

  He turned the ball back on and sat down next to me, caressing my face. "You're beautiful, Miss Reed," he said as he smiled down at me. His eyes were so light blue that they sparkled like diamonds in the moonlight. He reached down and scooped me into his arms, hugging me tight. "It's for the best." I think he was trying to convince himself as much as he was me. He laid me back down and kissed me one last time, so soft and gentle that I could barely feel his lips on mine. I kissed him back, pulling him to me. I couldn't believe that this was it. This was the last time I would kiss, hold, or even see, Beau John Brogan. Another tear escaped the corner of my eye, but Beau quickly kissed it away. "I love you," he whispered.

  "And I love you…forever."

  He reached down and turned off the plasma ball and walked toward the door, stopping to look back at me one last time. "Goodnight, Malyn."

  I was crying so hard that I couldn't say anything back. I just laid there and watched him walk out into the night…and out of my life.

  Chapter 14

  WANTS AND NEEDS

  Beau

  I knew it wouldn't be long 'til Max would wake up and do whatever it was he was gonna do to get me outta here. I'll have to admit, I was a little nervous. I didn't know where I'd end up, but I knew I had to risk it. As much as I wanted to be selfish and stay here with Malyn, I knew I couldn't. She deserved more than that. She deserved a life; a life I didn't have to give.

  All I thought 'bout all mornin' was her. Last night was the best night of my life…and death. I just hoped I hadn't messed up. I know I didn't on my part; I just hoped I didn't make it worse for her. It seemed to be what she needed, though, so maybe it would be okay. Sadly, I'd never know. It made me wonder if I'd still be able to enjoy those memories after I was gone. I could survive a whole nother lifetime just relivin' last night in my mind. I hoped Malyn could, too, ‘cause memories would be all she had.

  I sat on the stump, waitin' on the sun to rise. I was so lost in thought that I didn't even hear Max comin' up behind me. "Good mornin'," he said cheerfully.

  "Dang, you get up earlier than Nellie does."

  "Well, I knew we had a lot to do, and sunrise is the best time to get started. Energy is at its purist and highest at sunrise." He stood next to me and crossed his arms, lookin' out over the river. "You sure ya wanna do this?"

  "I reckon." But quite honestly, I wasn't sure 'bout anything anymore.

  "Well, if ya ain't ready, it won't happen. Ya gotta want it."

  I thought 'bout that for a minute and got concerned. "What if I don't want it for myself? What if I wanna cross over for her? I know it's the best choice I can make for her in the long run. I wanna leave so she can be free of me." Then I pictured how our life would be if I stayed. "It's not like we can have plasma balls all over the house…hide one under my shirt when we wanna go out 'bout town."

  "I admire you for your decision. I don't think I've ever ran across a situation quit like this one," he laughed, shakin' his head. "What are the odds of a girl, with a gift like Malyn's, movin' into a house haunted by a young man such as yourself?"

  "Slim to none, I'd say."

  We were silent for a minute when he finally asked, "You ready?"

  I took a deep breath. "I've been ready for the past hundred years."

  "But are ya ready now?"

  "Yes," I said, thinkin' 'bout Malyn. "I am."

  "Then let’s get started," he said, motionin' toward the river.

  I followed him to the riverbank, wonderin' what was 'bout to happen. He stopped and started diggin' in his bag, which I hadn't even noticed he had. "So, you have done this before, right?" I asked, only half teasin'.

  "Yes, many times," he said confidently.

  "How does this work, exactly?" I was gettin' nervous.

  "Well," he said, pullin' things out of his bag, "you'll have to do some visualizin'. I'll say a few prayers, fiddle with some of this stuff, and then we'll see what happens."

  I laughed at his simple explanation. "Well, that sounds easy enough." I looked down at the river. "Where will I go…when I leave here?" I'd been to church when I was alive, and was even baptized in this river, but I'd also had some fun in my day, too. I'd sinned quite a bit since then, so I didn't know where my fate rested at this point.

  He looked at me, rubbin’ his mustache. "I can't tell ya that," he admitted, shakin' his head.

  "For the love of all that's holy," I said, laughin' nervously. "If I end up swimmin' in a lake of fire, I'm gonna be pissed."

  He laughed and assured me, "I know for a fact that you don't have to worry 'bout that. Ya gave your life to save another." He laid out different things in a circle on the bank. "Now, you'll have to go to where ya converted. Try to get as close to the exact spot as ya can."

  I stood on the edge of the bank, lookin' back toward the house. When I turned back ‘round, I saw Max watchin' me. "I just wanted to make sure they couldn't see us," I lied. I descended down the bank, stoppin' as I got to the water. "Will ya tell Nellie I said thanks and that I said goodbye? I want her to know I appreciate her hospitality."

  "I'd be happy to."

  "Thanks. And I appreciate your help, too."

  "No problem," he said as I turned back toward the river.

  I knew the water was ice cold, so I was glad I couldn't feel it. Then I had a thought. "Max, how can I still have human experiences and feelin's…like…with Malyn?" I didn't want to say too much, but I had been wonderin' that since last night.

  "Well, durin' my research, I found that anything you—spirits—did when ya were alive, you can do in your manifested state. If you cried then, ya can cry now. And your feelins' may even be heightened ‘cause you're in your purist form. It's like your spirit, in its solid form, has a memory reconsolidation, in which previously consolidated memories can be made labile again through reactivation of the memory trace," he smiled and shrugged, "in theory."

  I just smiled back and shook my head, not understandin' most of what he'd just said. But I did know that I'd never felt for anyone the way I did for Malyn, so the heightened feelin's part made sense. I got to where I needed to be and looked at Max. "Okay, this is it."

  "This is it," he agreed. He stared at me, almost as if he was lookin' through me, then looked up at the sky and said, "The sun's comin' up," then he looked back at me, "so, if you're ready, let’s get started."

  For some reason I started thinkin' 'bout my family: Ma and Pa, my brothers and sisters. It had been so long since I'd seen 'em, but I still missed 'em like crazy. I hoped that wherever I went, they'd be there. Then I thought 'bout Malyn, hopin' I'd see her again someday, too. The thought of livin' without her hurt, but I wouldn't have to hurt much longer, I hoped. And hopefully she wouldn't, either.

  I looked up at Max, knowing I was makin' the right decision. "I'm ready."

  Chapter 15

  BIRTHDAY PRESENTS

  Malyn

  Nellie woke me up as she was cooking breakfast, but I didn't get up. Instead, I laid there, thinking about last night, which had been the best one of my life so far. My body literally ached at the thought of never getting to experience that with him again. But at least I got him for one night, which was better than none at all.

  Then I thought about Jace and how we had expressed our love for each other only hours before I shared myself with Beau. It's like I had become a harlot overnight. I kept trying to tell myself that this situation was different. What happened between me and Beau would've never have happened under normal circumstances…I don't think. But it happened, nonetheless. And I was glad it did.

  I continued to think about last night for a while longer when a thought occurred to me. Would Grandmama know? She always seemed to be able to read my mind, even though I knew she couldn't. But still, it gave me cause for concern. I knew there was only one way to find out.

  I got up, grabbed my shorts out of my bag, and headed into the kitchen. "Good morning," I told her as I walked passed her an
d into the bathroom.

  "I wondered when ya were gonna get up. You're usually up soon as the eggs hit the pan," she said before starting to sing one of her usual tunes.

  "I had my head covered up with my blanket, blocking the light out, so the smell eluded me," I told her as I came out of the bathroom, hopping on one leg as I tried to get my shorts on. I sat down at the bar, watching her cook.

  She looked at me over her glasses, making me nervous. I tried to remain neutral, not giving off any kind of vibes when she asked, "Ya okay?"

  "I guess so, why?"

  She turned back around and finished cooking. "I just worry 'bout ya. I figured you'd have a rough night last night."

  If you only knew. "I'm okay. Just trying not to think about it, really."

  "That's best, sometimes."

  I heard my phone ring, so I ran back into the sunroom to get it and kicked the edge of my present Beau had given me. Seeing it again made my heart ache. I picked up my phone, which had stopped ringing, and saw that it had been Beth. It was early for her to be calling, but she was off today, so I assumed she wanted to do something.

  I picked up my phone and Beau's present, and walked back into the kitchen. "Did you see this?" I asked, trying not to cry again, holding it for her to see.

  She smiled and nodded as she walked over and took it out of my hands, holding it up in front of her. "It's beautiful. I hadn't seen it since he added the color. He's so talented." She looked at it for a minute before she handed it back to me. "When did he give it to ya?"

  "Last night. He told me it was for my birthday, but since he wouldn't be here, he gave it to me early." I laid it on the kitchen table and sat back down, scooping another spoonful of food into my mouth so I didn't have to say anything else.

  My phone rang again. "Who's callin' ya so early?"

  I told her it was Beth as I picked up my phone. "Hello?"